A couple hours old
HAHAHA yeah right.... I was an emotional wreck from the lack of sleep and hormonal fluctuations! I felt like a total failure and not cut out for being a mom. This also lead to feelings of insecurities and isolation. Why was I not loving this time? Why couldn't I get my baby to stop crying? How did I not know what was going on? I had to be the only one that felt this way because everyone else I spoke to talked so fondly of those early days.
Notice the dark circles...
Then, my own mother told me that she was the same with my brother and I! Little by little, all the mothers in my life started to say that they were the hardest and most exhausting days. Why did no one tell me this before? Why did I have to find out this way? The myriad of my pregnancy apps never mentioned any of the things I was feeling until I was past these early weeks. This information would have been helpful to know before I had come out the other side. I am lucky enough to have a loving husband who had read up on this before I gave birth and assured me that all my feelings were normal. I had a midwife who wanted daily texts from me about how I was feeling, both physically and emotionally. I have an amazing mother that let me cry as much as I wanted and forced me into the shower while she watched my daughter to make sure she continued to breath (all moms know that those first couple days you just sit and watch their chests to make sure they are still inhaling and exhaling). I am truly blessed with loving, caring people in my life!
Many people don't have this support and I feel postpartum depression would be caught sooner if people 1) were more honest about the first couple weeks of bringing home a baby 2) cared enough to ask how mom is really doing and 3) created a space for the mom to talk openly and honestly.
Even if these three areas were more addressed, moms still feel bad if they haven't completely fallen in love with every cry, poopy diaper, sleepless night and spit up covered shirts. Some moms do fall in love from the first second and continue to stay madly and deeply in love. Others take some time to warm up to their child and others are a mixture in between. It's all ok! Babies are hard, especially at first. They are energy suckers and give very little in return. Those smiles and giggles don't come for many weeks and you feel like your baby doesn't care if you're here or there. I promise they do care and they will eventually show you the love you so desperately seek!
My darling Sofie girl is only 15 weeks old and I must say that I already miss those early days (NEVER thought I would say that!). It was the beginning of our relationship and a beautiful courtship at that! I learned the meanings of her cries and how to soothe her. I saw her start to open her eyes and recognize me. I saw how she relaxed when lying on my chest, listening to my heart. They were the most trying days I have ever had and literally brought me to my knees crying (on more than one occasion) but they taught me how to be a mother. I will forever love those days but I refuse to not be open and honest with others about to go through it. It's tough, exhausting, and nerve racking but you will survive!!
First Smile :-) First of Many
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